I became a Christian in my senior year of high school when God used an evangelist to speak about sin and redemption in Christ. My first experience of knowing God was like that of a child. I was excited and happy to live this new life and to know all about Jesus. Unfortunately, because of my previous lifestyle, soon I fell back into my sin and became pregnant the summer after my graduation. This was a period of discipline but of tremendous growth for me. During this time God moved me to a different state where I would meet my husband who attended a Reformed church. We attended together for the next 12 years. There I was steeped in the doctrines of Calvinism. We were all grateful to be “the elect” but as a young believer there were things that confused me. “Narrow is the road and few there are that find it.” I would always think of my family, almost all of whom did not know Christ. I took an evangelism class at my church so that I could better communicate the gospel to unbelievers, especially to my family. I remember going “out on the field” door to door using the questions formed by Evangelism Explosion (“If you died tonight…”). I remember leaving people’s homes very disturbed and unsettled that we had used fear to try and bring these people to the Lord. And what if I didn’t communicate it clearly enough or wasn’t able to convince them?
Some years ago, someone gave me a Christian movie where the evangelist used real fire to scare people. I remember laughing at how the pastor tricked a drunken man into thinking he had died and gone to hell to make him convert. How sad to me now. And I often hear pastors and Christians joking about hell. This again really makes me sad. How can they be joking about something they are supposed to believe is really horrible?
I was feeling the continual urgency to make my relatives see the truth. Even as a Calvinist, it was difficult for me to not feel like it would be my fault if they did not come to Christ. I would pray and send them books and tapes whenever it was especially heavy on my mind but there was never any response. I finally had to put out of my mind the thought of them going to an eternal place of torment. I couldn’t cope if I let myself think about it too much. So I consciously had to put it on the back burner so to speak and just focus on caring for my growing family. I had to just let it go and remember that, “His ways are not my ways.” It actually was easy to get very busy and to not think about it especially since that was pretty much what everybody else in the church was doing.
Later we moved to a new town where we joined a new church and were excited to be “on board.” We were excited to be a part of a family of “like-minded” believers. Then “all hell broke loose” when our pastor was caught in serious sin and had to step down. What followed was a split and then over the next 3 years we went through 2 more, all because of scandalous sin on the part of the leadership. This all left my husband and I very leery and sad. How can we bring people, especially unbelievers, into all this? These are Christian leaders and they are so messed up. For the next few years it was a journey of brokenness. It wasn’t until I found “hope beyond hell” that I began to be revived again. I began to form a bigger picture of God and His gospel and power. I hadn’t realized how small I had made God. I see now that He is bigger than I had ever imagined. Songs of hope began to fill my heart … that He truly is alive and in charge! It’s not about me nor is it up to me. I get to be an important instrument in the process but gone is the overwhelming burden of works and responsibility for others’ eternal fate! Loving my neighbors and unbelieving friends have gone to greater heights. It’s a joy to truly share with them that God is love and not the one who will punish them forever and ever if they do not do or believe a certain thing. I have gained a freedom in Christ I have never known before. (See “Hope Beyond Hell” by Gerry Beauchemin).